Good evening. As always, we'll open our meeting with a song
from our school's Rainbow Diversity Pep Squad,
who will join hearts in cultural oneness
as we give you our school fight song.
Athletics foster unhealthy competition
And a winner-take-all mentality, mentality
We hope this game and all games will end in a tie
Wildcats, Wildcats, go, fight, tie! Wildcats, Wildcats, go, fight, tie!
Thank you so much.
As you know, we're electing a new PTA president.
We'll be hearing from our two very exciting candidates:
Victoria the tiger...
...and Kate the lion.
- God, I'm so nervous. - You're gonna do great, sweetie.
Kiss for luck.
Hey, Lar, your nuts called. They're wondering why you're playing first lady
with your wife, Hillary Clinton.
Well, you tell my nuts
I'll be joining them every Monday for Monday Night Football,
seeing as the PTA meets on Monday nights,
making its president unable to nag me into family time
and concerts and other such B.S.
Nice.
I will pass that along to your testes.
We'll hear first from Victoria.
Now remember, hit her hard,
call her a liberal, say she's weak on crime.
Such beautiful skin. Why so angry, friend?
What if education were its own country?
It might be called an "edu-nation."
The edu-nation is a community that values its future.
It values hope.
The edu-nation combines the words education and nation.
Actually, it takes all of the word "nation,"
and inserts it into "education."
In sum: the edu-nation.
Let's build it.
Edu-nation! Edu-nation!
Okay...
I'd like to discuss class size.
We're okay for now, but we've got a couple pregnant zebras.
I'm not naming any names...
I knocked 'em up both!
Who else wants a taste?
Anyway, let's hire more teachers before it's a problem.
Yes, Roger.
Yeah, if elected, what two words would you combine?
Oh, I guess I would combine
the words "effective" and "leadership."
So that would be "effectership"?
Or "lead-ective."
That doesn't work for me!
Great. Moving along. Laura.
- That's Mildred. - Oh, whoops, I'm sorry, Mildred.
You turkeys all look alike to me.
Oh, no, don't get me wrong. I just....
She's a racist!
Bright light city's gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn
So get those stakes up higher
I'm gonna give it everything I got
Lady Luck, please, let the dice stay hot
Let me shoot a seven with every shot
Hey, viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Viva
Las Vegas
Hunter, for a long time
I've wanted to pass something along to a special grandson.
But your parents are done having kids,
- so you're gonna get it. - Yay!
Here it is, a precious family heirloom.
My grandfather's pocket watch.
Wow!
It's beautiful, it's classy, the ladies love it.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna hang on to this.
Let's see how you take care of this nickel.
A nickel! Awesome!
Mom, how could you have said that?
I don't know, it just slipped out.
Oh, my God, everyone thinks I'm a bigot.
Don't beat yourself up. Turkeys do look a little bit alike.
It was the wrong thing to say, that doesn't make you a racist.
Really? Have you guys had a turkey in your house?
- Of course. - That wasn't cleaning it?
No.
Boo-hoo. Who gives a crap about turkeys?
They're a small-brained, thieving species
who never bothered to learn our language.
They're also cheap, they're drunks
and they possess a legendary sexual prowess.
Oh, not this again.
Do you have to hit them with every offensive ethnic stereotype?
Yes, because they're all true.
Grandpa, you're wrong.
Turkeys have been unfairly persecuted for centuries.
I studied turkey culture in school and I learned the truth.
The white man may have taken the Native Americans' land,
but the Native Americans stole it from the turkeys.
Come on, they're idiots. They drown looking up at the rain.
- Dad! - Let's not lose sight of our goal.
The turkeys are the crucial swing vote
that wins that election and gets Kate leading the PTA
every Monday from 6:00 to 9:00, 8:00 to 11:00 Central time.
Mom, look what a nice lady handed me.
I know that look.
Hey, that's it.
I can't believe Victoria's using this as an election issue.
I gotta straighten things out with the turkeys.
- Let's have them over for dinner. - That's a great idea.
Yeah, except that this whole week
is their Festival of Pilgrim Betrayal. It's like their anti-Thanksgiving.
Every night they have a big, ritual feast.
Then guess what's happening at our house tomorrow night?
- A big, awesome, ritual feast. - Perfect.
Okay, can we talk about that zebra from the PTA meeting now?
Bagged two babes and they're coming back for more?
He's like a god.
There it is again.
Siggy, you are too good.
Well, I was varsity captain at Vashensteighausen-Frueshausen High.
It shows.
They're over here.
So Snack, you're telling me
that Siegfried and Roy have a room full of sombreros?
- Yeah, the sombrero room. - I'd like to see that.
This stays between us, but Mexican hats do it for me, capisci?
Okay, it's right over here just past the...
- Got you! - Time to haul ass.
Goodbye, lawn ornament. Have a good summer.
What are you doing with that disgusting rodent?
Shall I stomp him with my stylish unisex boot?
No, I have a better idea.
I have domesticated large cats, it is true, thank you, my name is Roy.
But just as the computer once took up three rooms
but can now fit into a hazelnut,
I, too, shall condense my skills and civilize this gopher.
Little creature, you are now my new pet.
Dude, I'm not a pet!
I cannot understand his squeaks, but he seems delighted by my touch.
I christen him Heinrich.
I can't remember the last time I was this happy.
- How about Robert Goulet's luau? - Good times.
What are you doing? You can't serve turkeys corn.
That's an offensive stereotype. "Gobble, we love corn."
Sierra, please.
Kate, just to be safe, let's lose the corn.
These turkeys need to leave here knowing our family's not prejudiced.
I'll get it.
Oh, you're just in time,
the litter box is way past due for cleaning.
Good thing you brought the kids to help. It was a big week.
Dad!
These are our dinner guests.
Stan, Mildred, Jenny, Achmed, welcome.
Jeez. Come on in. Quick.
I'm sorry about my father. He didn't grow up around turkeys.
Except maybe a couple of jive turkeys. Oh, no, I didn't.
Well, I'd like to thank our guests
for sharing their anti-Thanksgiving holiday with us,
and I'll start by saying, "Gobble, gobble, gobble."
Mom, your accent is embarrassing. You sound like a trailer turkey.
Anyhow, everyone should have a prayer book
and a strap-on wattle so we can do the wattle dance,
but not yet, that's in a while.
That wattle dance sounds like a little bit of fun, don't it?
We respect your culture.
And now, a responsive reading.
"The Pilgrims and Indians invited us to a feast."
"We were joyful, for we thought it was a feast of friendship."
"But then they massacred us, skinned us and roasted our flesh."
Kate, where's that cheap, sweet wine I like?
Dad, there's no alcohol on this, the holiest of days.
Oh, great. You pick the one night these clowns don't get tanked.
Old people.
You never know what's gonna come out of their mouths.
They're like children. Wrinkly, bigoted children.
Come, Heinrich, through the hoop.
On this jump, with elegance.
Last time, you flop like a licorice.
Look at you, working with a common rodent.
How do you think that reflects on me?
Do I smell something?
It's a combination of Eau de Munich and jealousy.
Well, I smell something too.
It is called Idiot Magazine and you're on the cover.
And how do I look?
Fantastic!
Be still, my Heinrich.
Roy's heart is as soft as the lotioned hands
that now caress you like a velvet womb.
You just said 12 words and eight of them would get you shot in my neighborhood.
Your squeaks and body language tell me
- you do not want to be my friend. - You got that right.
That is a shame, because I could use a friend.
Come on, man, don't do that.
Sometimes even Roy, with his success and good looks,
and his honorary doctorate from Baylor University,
sometimes even he feels like a so small little being,
trying not to be stepped on by the giant, careless feet of life.
All I wish is for someone to look in mein eye and say they understand.
I understand.
Oh, someone's a boy gopher.
Check it out, this is the ritual dance
that celebrates the turkeys' triumph over their human oppressors.
That's it, Stan!
Squish that Pilgrim blood between your toes!
Someone's making Pilgrim wine!
- This is going great. - Yeah, the turkeys love you.
This election's in the bag.
I warned you.
You know my grandfather's gold pocket watch?
One of those dirty birds stole it.
They're thieves! They can't help themselves.
Achmed, would you like some more cake?
I hope you're happy.
You brought those filthy gobblers into our house,
and now my grandfather's watch is gone.
How do you know you didn't misplace it?
- Yeah, you're pretty old. - I'm telling you,
I know where I put it, and since they came over, it disappeared.
Dad, I'm sure it'll turn up. Please don't make a scene.
Hey, buddy, you got the time?
Well, let's make sure.
How about a little mini-bungee jump?
Dad! What are you doing?
Looking for my watch.
Can I talk to you outside?
- You are unbelievable! - I just want my watch back.
They didn't take your watch, you maniac!
I wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for you.
- What are you talking about? - That thing I said at the PTA meeting
you said a million times when I was a kid,
and a little of it must have seeped in.
Well, I'm done with that now.
I like and respect these turkeys.
So you're gonna trust a bunch of turkeys over your old man?
That's right, and if you have a problem with that,
- then you can take off. - Fine!
Kate, that was amazing. Victoria doesn't have a chance.
Oh, my God, you're right. I'm gonna be PTA president!
Attention, turkeys!
Don't vote till you've been to Victoria's pre-election party,
where she'll offer the voters concrete proposals, fresh ideas and...
...popcorn, kettle corn, creamed corn, corn flakes, corn pops, corn bread.
Corn, corn, corn, corn!
Apparently, they do like corn.
Hey, Snack. Snack, wake up. I came to spring you, buddy.
- I can't. I can't leave Roy. - What?
Don't judge me, Vincent. I never thought I could love a human,
but Roy is different.
He's gentle and caring and...
...his hair smells like home.
Oh, my God, you've been brainwashed!
His hair does smell like home.
And that vase!
Those guys ain't wrestling.
Oh, I got to get out of here.
It's like a party at Charlie Sheen's, but with corn.
Welcome, turkeys, and your families.
Oh, what do we have here?
A baby!
Adorable!
She's shameless. You're gonna lose, Kate.
You're right. I can't compete with this.
- Hey, honey, it's not that big a deal. - It's a big deal to me!
This election was a chance for me to do something on my own.
Not to be Sarmoti's daughter or Larry's wife,
but to be Kate, PTA president.
Son of a B!
That's it! I got to do something.
It's time for our campaign to go negative.
- I'm gonna snoop around. - Dad.
Kate! How nice of you to drop by to concede defeat.
Once I'm elected, you must tell me
what the letters PTA actually stand for.
I am dying to know.
Parent Teacher Association.
Oh. That sounds like it could be work. Corntini?
Attention, everyone! I hate to interrupt the party,
but look what I found while rummaging underneath Blake and Victoria's bed.
Deviant sexual toys and playwear.
They feel that what adults do behind closed doors
is their own business.
Okay. Then what about this?
Drug paraphernalia!
They believe soft drugs should be legal. Plus there's new research
supporting their medicinal benefits.
Also, hemp sandals.
All right, you forced my hand. What about this?!
I guess you guys don't want to see
this receipt from Spencer Gifts for a can of fart spray.
Sorry, Mom, I know it's tough to lose an election.
At least you don't have weird pattern baldness like Al Gore.
Oh, what a nightmare!
Tell me they bought beer.
Budweiser, Budweiser, Budweiser.
Oh, Tequiza.
Oh, my God.
Hey, everyone!
Prepare to be morally outraged!
All right, yeah, I know, I kind of dropped the ball last time,
but say hello to cranberry sauce!
Candied yams! And...
...a Butterball frozen turkey.
Uncle Billy!
Time for a little breakfast.
- 'Sup? - Who are you?
- I'm Roy's new pet. - What?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm Roy's new pet.
- Times are changing, pops. - There must be some mistake.
- How did you get here? - Roy found me last night.
Yeah, it's shaping up to be a pretty sweet gig.
I am gonna have to get used to being called Heinrich.
This is awkward.
- I'll say. I'm out of here. - Heinrich!
Wait! I love animals! You knew this about me!
I never said we were going to be exclusive!
So, the gopher is gone?
I bet you could use a cold one.
Perfect!
It's in the bag, honey.
You'll get up there, make your final speech, they'll vote, you'll win.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the turkey lover.
- Not now, Dad. - Congratulations.
I hope your lips aren't too chapped from kissing tail feathers.
- You selfish child. - Amen.
I have put up with your craziness
for every minute of every day of my life,
and the one time I ask you to put it aside
to help me, you wouldn't do it.
Can I get a witness?!
Oh, you can say what you want about the turkeys,
but they're honest and decent, and that's more than I can say for you.
You heard her! Bet that stings a little bit!
Better get those third-degree burns looked after.
Okay. The bird's got your dad's watch.
Cheese and biscuits! I don't believe this.
Mom, they need you for your final remarks.
- What do I do? - Forget the watch.
Just get up there and win the election.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kate the lion.
- Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! - Well, here we are.
This candidacy has always been about three issues affecting our school.
Three issues which I feel...
Which I feel...
I'm sorry, I can't do this.
Stan the turkey stole my father's watch!
You, sir, can go to H!
And to think I insulted my own father defending you.
Listen, I want to be PTA president more than you'll ever know,
but what's right is right. Good day.
Mom, wait! Laura says Stan is a thief.
- He stole her golf clubs! - And Lamont's Walkman.
And my heart!
Gerry says Stan has been ripping people off for a long time,
and it's about time someone said so.
We should thank Kate for her honesty and courage.
Now that everyone's getting stuff in the open,
there's something they want you to know.
Many turkeys can speak English,
but we're afraid you'll make fun.
He sounds weird.
- Kate for president! - Kate for president!
Kate for president! Kate for president!
- We did it, babe! - Thanks, honey.
Dad, I owe you an apology.
You were right about the watch, and I...
It's all right. We don't need to have a chick moment.
You wanted something and you went after it.
- Congratulations on being president. - Thanks, Dad.
Thank you.
You know what, Kate,
I'm not gonna change overnight,
but from now on, I'll try to be more sensitive.
- That's great, Dad. - Good.
Hey, I'm starving.
Who wants to go out for some wop food?
Dad! What the...?